Acceptance: Time to go home

Acceptance: Time to go home

Hiker’s Paradise, Gorham NH to Dad’s House in Philly

I woke up thinking I might try to get a ride back up to the top of Mt Washington but it looked like it was going to be too much of a pain in the rear. I called my Dad while eating the “hiker special” to discuss options. He surprised me, saying he could be there in 10 hours, so I gave in and said, “OK, come and Get me. I’m ready to come home.”

This trip has by far been the hardest achievement I’ve ever attempted in my life. I knew when I began that it would be rough; but, I really had no idea what I was in for. It goes without saying that I experienced a truly unique adventure. I have met diverse and deliberate people who treat the trail with respect and awe. I walked a thousand miles, up mountains and through valleys of mud-slick rocks and roots and streets through both rural communities, remote wilderness and heavily populated National Parks in the last three months. I faced the surety of defeat almost from the beginning of my trip, knowing I would not be able to realize my dream and complete the entire trail; striving regardless, even when my brothers left me for reasons that angered and saddened me at the time. I spent an unhealthy amount of time in constant dialogue with myself and became even more acquainted with character flaws and attributes I was already familiar with. I’m not sure if this even served a purpose. Self Knowledge seems so trivial in the bigger scheme of life. It seems to only obscure God’s Will which I admit is still unfathomable to me; although, I hope my travails will serve us both in the future. I am beginning to know nothing. I gained a level of fitness that I am both proud of and fearful to lose. I know it will be hard to motivate myself to maintain a regimen that will keep my physical being in this kind of shape and I will surely lament its decline. Acceptance. My body is damaged and broken in places and probably will be for months before I can use my legs and feet normally again. I’ll need surgery to fix my hernia and my financial situation is dire. I’m not really worried though. I have spent the last few years in a program that emphasizes Acceptance and I have grown in unbelievable ways. Despite the peace I feel from accepting that my trail is at its end for this year, I cannot ignore the visceral feelings of guilt, loss and unease at not having gone further or longer. I catch myself glancing upward at the surrounding mountains as if I might grab my pack and do another twenty miles; continue on and tell my family I’m going further. I know the next year’s thoughts will be full of deliberation concerning completion and or closure on this Appalachian Trail. For the fifteenth time this morning, I resign myself to go down to the Laundromat and scrub my clothing and gear so that it won’t contaminate Mike’s car when they come to pick me up. I wish they were here already. I continue to glance at the mountains I have left to climb, alternating between humility and resentment. I have learned that you cannot feel both at the same time; however, they can relentlessly switch back and forth; some kind of emotional strobe light, flickering jitters in my soul. Ahhhhhh Acceptance… When will you come?

David AKA "Mister F. Gentle Spirit"
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